An Enamored Soul on a quest to newfound happiness, with a full belly, a whole heart, an open mind, and an overflowing bank account. Follow me on my journey of self awareness as a mother, daughter, friend, lover and most of all as a woman.
It’s weird to me that everyone I know constantly speak about money, or the importance of an education, but no one speaks of the importance of accepting things. No one speaks of how important it is to read body language, to pay attention to how people treat you, as well as how they speak to you. In truth, I wish someone would have taught me how to read people sooner, as well as stressed acceptance to me growing up.
I was told that having a child young would limit my life. In some ways it did, but not in many. I let the idea that I was a statistic hold me back from so many things I could have achieved. I let others opinions convince me to do things that were against my better judgement. However now that I am aware of my power, I am less afraid of what the future has to offer.
Sometimes I wish I had more children. I often feel empty because I only have one child and he will be grown soon. I feel like I was cheated in life and so was my child. I was attempting to give him a better life and in doing so, I gave him the same one I had-minus the babysitting everyday, all day.
No one speaks about how you can be approaching your forties and still feel lost. I guess it’s just a matter of patience. As they say one day at a time.
I never realized how sure of myself I appeared to others, until now. In truth, I make choices like everyone else and hope for the best. Most times it works out- mostly because I have faith in myself and I work hard so I am bound to reap positive results. The times I made a choice and things did not go as planned, often times it was due to me having some type of doubt.
In order to have what I ask for I have to remember that my actions, my thoughts, and my words must be in unison. There has NEVER been a time when all three were in alignment and I wasn’t successful. Now that I know that I have been smooth sailing since.
I realize that I have to sever ties with things that are not for me or things I do not fully support. It’s ok to dislike things, it’s ok to like something today and change your mind later on. Life is meant to be experienced, appreciated and accepted.
I don’t have to explain what I do, or why I did it, if I don’t want to. I don’t have to stay any place, or with anyone, it I feel unwanted. I don’t have to partake in gossip or conversations that aren’t relevant, if I don’t want to. It is all a choice. Sometimes the choice is easy to make. Many times it is not. Nowadays, I’m cool with making a choice and I do so with no regret. I know when I do, it’s the best choice for me.
The more I read things that confirm my thoughts, I realize the power of my thoughts and how much they impact my life. I want to move on, but having someone close to you die suddenly, has a way of making you see life differently.
I feel selfish for wanting you here. For wanting just one more conversation with you. I keep saying it wasn’t your time, but clearly it was if you are gone now. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t want to send you a text, a meme, or call you to vent, or just to hear you sing along with me to an old school song. Your departure left me feeling so lost, yet found.
I recall many of our conversations. Lots of them were funny. We never fought. We did disagree, but we never fought. I appreciate that so much. I don’t remember if I ever told you I love you, if I haven’t girl I do! I love the connection we had, that we could speak about anything without judgment. You understood who you were and didn’t care what others believed about you. You never felt like you had to change their minds, you just carried on doing what was best for you and yours. I appreciate the integrity you had, the energy you brought forth despite the odds against you. I just wish you saw the strengths in yourself, that I saw in you.
Perhaps that’s how my other friends feel about me. I have the credentials and the potential to match, yet I settle for what is presented before me. In the past few years I have began a spiritual journey that has made me understand myself differently. I have to believe in myself without a SINGLE DOUBT. I know for fact that I deserve everything I need/want, and I will also work for it, therefore it already belongs to me. I just have to proclaim it, and go claim it.
While I may lose a lot, I will gain twice as much. I know the only way out is through. I’m just sad that the transition takes some time and I don’t know what challenges I will face. It won’t be something that happens overnight. It makes me feel vulnerable. Reflecting made me see that I should be able to be vulnerable around these people in my life, or I should change the people I have in my life. So I have, and I have been feeling so much better. My aura has brightened, I’m less triggered by things/ people who used to set me off. I can feel it on my spirit and physically in my body- how much I have changed.
For now, I will take it day by day. I will proceed with making moves that will assist me with the life I want to live. I will focus on me and what I want. I will accept that some things are legitimately out of my control, but the things that are within my control (my feelings, thoughts, emotions, etc.) I will manage to the best of my ability. I will only do things that benefit me, contribute to my future/child, and things that speak to my soul. Until I meet you again in the next life sister, I miss ya!
I miss you. It’s been almost a year since I last heard your voice. It’s the first New Year without you since we became friends. I remember when we met. I was brand new to this city. You were about to become a mom. It was a scary time for both of us, and although I only knew you for a short period of time, we became extremely close.
I guess it’s the connections you aren’t looking for that last for an eternity. I won’t lie even though you’ve been gone for 11 months now, I still wait for your call or think about calling you. It’s like my mind can only accept one thought, that you’re busy and will call me soon. But I know in my heart, that isn’t true.
So at this point, I’ve settled on letting you be my spirit guide. I’ve decided to allow your spirit to navigate me through life. Along with my grandmother, my brother, my baby, and my aunt. I didn’t know how much I needed any of them, until now. Each of you are in my heart, my mind, and have become embedded in my soul. I am more connected to you now, then I ever have been, but I want you to know, I do miss you friend! Happy Birthday Beautiful! I love you… This year is for you…
I have many people I can be my superficial self with. The people I can share my day with, places I like to eat, things I like to do for fun. But I guess I’m waiting for the connection I will make that will make me feel at home.
The connection that doesn’t make me second guess calling with good news, or erasing a text I started because I know it may elude the person receiving the message.
I’ve tried to connect with people, yet I don’t feel that we fit together like a puzzle piece would. More often than not, I’m doing most of the leg work in the relationship, ( which includes family and friends, usually because I know what it’s like to be unsupported in various ways.) which leaves me feeling drained and used.
I’m done trying to shove myself in the square hole, I don’t fit. I canNOT pretend I don’t feel hurt, or disappointment. I do. OFTEN. I do not express these views, as they are not seen as I see them, by anyone other than me. Anytime I say something, I’m viewed as aggressive, but the more I hold it in the angrier I get.
I want friends I can be open with, that are not angry because I don’t share their views. People who support me even if they disagree with me. You don’t have to understand why I do the things I do, especially if it makes me happy. I want friends who don’t compete with me, but cheer me on. Friends that show up and show out, to be my biggest fan, even when I don’t have the energy to be my own. After all I would and DO it for my friends.
I want the love I give to be reciprocated. I want him to call me because he missed hearing my voice. I want him to send me flowers because he bypassed them in the store and they remind him of my smile, which lights up every time as I move them from my nose in delight. I want him to snicker when he sees me dancing alone in our bedroom to my favorite music as I clean. To admire me as I sleep, but be thankful that it is me he has been blessed to wake up next to him. Someone who wants to call me when he has had a bad day, and just needs to hear about anything but work. Someone who is willing to check the oil on my car, because he knows it’s something I’d forget. Someone who looks forward to my cooking because he knows I care about his health. Someone who smells his clothing and remembers, that I worked hard to wash them for him. Someone who is my partner, my equal, who is willing to build and grow with with me and individually.
I know my worth. I am willing to wait, until those who deserve me present themselves. I deserve friends who give the same efforts I do. I deserve to bet surrounded by family that will visit me as much as I visit them. Family that will call me to see how I’m doing not to ask for a favor, or to dump their woes on me. I deserve a lifetime partner who will value me, who I am, and what I have to offer. I am not one to ask for anything I can I myself can not return. I believe that if you ask someone for something, you should be able to offer the same in return, if not at the time of asking, at least in the near future.
I want to find my place, find where my puzzle piece fits. I feel unsettled, but I know eventually water finds its proper level. I will take it day by day until then.
I find myself crying more and more daily… There was a point in my life where I thought crying was for weak people. I hated to see people cry. In truth seeing someone cry made me vey awkward, I wasn’t sure if I should offer words of comfort, or hug the person. Now I realize, people need to cry- to release that emotion.
I cry when I’m mad, when I’m happy, when I’m sad, etc. A lot of times I do it because I can’t control it. When it’s done I feel better. These days I cry because it’s all I can do. I can’t change what is happening to me, but it is still happening to me.
At this stage in my life, I thought I’d be married, with a husband, four kids, a house, a car, and living my life as a wife and mom. I thought I would have my own company, and I’d be a super mom. Yet here I am with none of the above except a kid and some debt. While I do have a career that I love, and I do love my kid, this isn’t what I anticipated.
I had to sit back and accept the fact that I made every choice that lead me here. I didn’t to go to college. I was forced to do so. I wanted to open a business- but I didn’t know how to, nor did I know someone who had done it.
The thing I’ve learned is, children do what they are shown, not what they are told. No one in my family ever owned anything- but they always had kids, and they always had money. So the only thing that was instilled in me was to have money and don’t ask for help. EVER.
Now that I’m older, I’ve learned to ask for help, I’ve learned to cry. I’m aware that it’s ok not to be perfect or to know everything. It’s ok not to have all your goals achieved by 30. I am just beginning to live life. Life is what you make of it, and how you accept the things that are happening to you. I refuse to let anything break me, ever again.
~Today I am thankful for my insight, my opportunities.
Being Black wasn’t something I chose. I was born this way. I was born a female to broke parents in the slums of New York City. Yea the odds were stacked against me. They still are. I live in a world, where no one would tell me the truth about adulthood, life skills, values, money or sex. Yet those same people will call me to discuss the latest gossip, or encourage me to attend some useless ass event that wouldn’t contribute to my life in any manner.
I am a woman who wants to be heard, but every time I speak I’m called aggressive. I am a woman who wants to be taken seriously, not viewed as a sexual conquest. I am a woman who wants more than what she was told she had to accept. I am a woman who speaks when she is being treated unjustly. I am not crazy because you choose not to listen. I am not crazy because your ignorance prevents you from understanding another person’s perspective. I am not crazy simply because you say so.
I’m sick of hearing I am aggressive because I’m not going along with your plan or I don’t believe in your lies. I am human. I am allowed to feel, to process how I feel and express my feelings. If my delivery upsets you, you are allowed to express that. However, if you lack emotional intelligence, you may not be able to use empathy and comprehend my discomfort. Which isn’t my fault, nor my concern, but keep your mouth shut. I will do my best to refrain from being in your presence.
I’m tired of people watching me struggle and assume that I may be used to that. That I don’t want the door opened for me, because I’m an independent woman!”(heavy eye roll). I’m sick of men thinking all I want is dick, not a date. I’m tired of waiting in line and being ignored until someone of lighter skin is standing behind me- then being asked if I’m being helped. I’m sick of being told my work isn’t good enough, but when my blonde co-worker, (who dresses unprofessionally ALL the time) submits subpar work- she receives a promotion.
I’m sick of being invisible. I’m invisible until I fuck something up, or someone needs a fucking favor! That grinds my gears. I’m immediately remembered when something that everyone else doesn’t want to do, needs to be done. “Ohhh I’m sure Noir can handle it.” Um nope she’s mentally checked out!
I also call bullshit on people who assume I will rage out on them, without a fair reason. I do not go through life verbally attacking people because it’s my favorite thing to do. I do however, let those who feel they can violate me in any manner, know I am not one to be played with. Anytime I have ever said anything, it was due to provocation. In many cases, I will leave things quiet, in hopes that it will resolve on its own. However, the problem with not addressing an issue in the beginning, is that it arises again at a later date. Understand that if I ever made you feel uncomfortable or upset, that’s a personal issue- one that was most like self inflicted.
I self reflect daily. If I am wrong, I apologize, I indicate my errors and I don’t repeat them. I will not apologize for something just because it will smooth things over. I don’t care for smoothness- I care about not revisiting the same issue again. If others don’t want to accept that things are how they will be, that’s their business. Apologies only work when both parties agreed upon what the issue is, and how it can be rectified.
I’m very assertive. I know what I want and how much I’m willing to do to obtain what I need/want. I am not aggressive- angry, or volatile. (Although I can be provoked to become angry/volatile, like any person.) I respect others, and have a kind heart. All that I ask is that you look beyond what others have said about me. I deserve a fair shot like everyone else. I deserve for my door to be opened for me. For someone to say I am more than just beautiful, and someone to carry my bags as well. I deserve to be asked what my name is and NOT have someone take a deep breath and complain about how long it will take to memorize it. It’s my name- its my identity you don’t get to down play my identity. I deserve to be treated as a person, no less than that.
Today I understand that I am NOT invisible no matter who tries to make me believe that I am!
When I’m disappointed, I get angry. I lash out. I feel like my back is against the wall. I can only see black and I rage out. While I can understand the word no, I can’t understand why someone would say yes, and then have their actions later indicate a ‘no’. To me being upfront is important. If you are unable to do something your previously agreed to, you are better off letting me know before I find out on my own.
In all honesty I know that my reactions to disappoint are often uncalled for. Probably even irrational, but I need to feel it. I need to feel my feelings so they don’t control me. I’ve learned it’s better for me to be alone when I am disappointed in others. I need time to process my disappointment. In truth it is not the other person who is in the wrong for disappointing me. It is my fault for putting faith in the other person at all. It is imperative that I accept my responsibility in my own pain.
If I need to get something done, in a specific way, in a specific time frame, it is upon to me to get it done. Yes I can choose to delegate. However, I have to accept that if the action isn’t handled correctly- for whatever reason, it is my fault. People are going to be who they need to be. That’s nothing that I can control. I can only control me.
To manage my disappointments, I must manage my expectations. I know damn well if I wanted fried chicken that I should be at Popeyes, NOT McDonalds. While Mcdonalds’ sells chicken sandwiches, they do not serve fried chicken. I have to be mindful of what I want and who I am expecting to provide it for me. If I really want things to be as I want them, I have to make a way for myself. No one can do that for me. No one can want anything for me. Which is why I have to focus on me.
My disappointments come from me wanting to receive the same love and tenderness I give others. I can definitely get that love, if I redirect it towards myself, instead of others.
Today I will manage my disappointments. I am not my feelings, but I do feel, and that’s ok.
I’ve always been able to speak to anyone about anything under the sun, but when it came to my feelings I only spoke on them if they were to express my distaste for something. I didn’t speak on what hurt me, just what I didn’t like. I noticed, I kept my mouth close to maintain unhealthy situations. Many situations I believed I had to remain in because society says you’re supposed to do so.
Since my break up with my ex last summer, I’ve learned a lot about myself. #1 I talk a lot and listen to what I want, the rest I discard. – I do this often because people talk about things they want me to know, not what I need to know. So I absorb a lot of what I learn about them from their actions- not what they say to me. Lately I have been trying to improve my listening skills. After all who wants to be ignored? Not me.
#2 I seldom use the word “yes”. These days, I am committed to living my life according to my own standards, I don’t feel as if I have to respond with a prompt yes anytime someone asks me a question, yet with haste I can reply no. I have learned that it is easier to commit to something after saying no, then it is to back out of something I have already committed to doing. After all, a person who comes just in time to save the day is revered, meanwhile the person who agrees in the beginning and cancels is now a flake who can’t be trusted.
#3 I’m not as guarded as I thought. One guy that I used to converse with told me he was a private person. It got me thinking. How many people have been running around using this bullshit excuse not to open up to others? How can you get to know someone if you are holding onto a thought that the next person has to prove to you that they are worthy of knowing you? Being a private person means, you don’t divulge identifiable information about your life, aka- what type of car you drive, where you live, where you work, your child’s name, etc. Being a guarded person means, you don’t want to express things about your life- probably because you fear abandonment, judgment, betrayal, etc. Either way being private and being guarded are not the same thing. While I appreciate a person being private, (I mean I am as well) I don’t appreciate being expected to jump through hoops to prove I deserve to know how your day went or what you ate for dinner. I’m willing to open myself up to anyone who is willing to reciprocate and do the same. It’s ok to be vulnerable in the right situation with the right people.
#4- Everything isn’t for everyone- I’ve also learned to accept in others what I want to be accepted within me. I like what I like, and I don’t expect anyone to get on board with it, they just have to respect this part of who I am, as I do the same for her/him. I don’t understand why if someone likes to put honey on his rice, we all have to eat rice with honey now and love it. If someone dyes her hair green, now everyone has to like green hair. NOOOOOO… If you like it, I love it.. for YOU, and anyone else who admires it, wants it, etc, but don’t force that shit on me. Don’t try to convince me of how green hair will be amazing with a bowl of rice covered honey because that’s what you do. I can accept that you love it, but you need to accept that I don’t. The best part about the world are the differences that make us unique, we don’t have to be the same in that capacity. We have enough similarities in other ways.
#5- I am spiritual, and love everything about my life. I have made so many choices in life without understanding why, but lately I have become so attuned to my body, the environment and everything around me. I have eliminated the negative energies that surround me and began holding on to the positive life forces around me. I started listening to my intuition more and realizing the power that is in me. Since then I have manifested most of what I have asked for. It started by getting out of my own way. I was always unhappy, I couldn’t understand it. The anxiety the depression, it was rough. In truth I had to realize I was the reason I felt those things. The more I connected myself to nature, and quieted my mind with meditation and yoga, I had an epiphany. I can only do what I can do, the rest is up to the universe.
My happiness comes in spurts, I’m not happy every moment of every day. However I make sure to find happy moments in every day, which is enough. My glass may not be full, but it is also never empty which means I have enough to carry on, to make it another moment, which connects to another minute, another hour, another day. Something many others wish for but will never have. Today on wellness Wednesday, I am happy in multiple ways. I am blessed, I am thankful, I am here!
I’m not big on body modifications, but I am big on self expression. I’ve always wanted a tattoo, but because they are so permanent I refuse to get one. I convinced myself that piercings somehow are different.. (Which is a bold-faced lie, just so you’re aware). I technically have seven piercings. One above my belly button, one in my tongue, and five in my ears (two on the lower lobe- left and right sides- one in my top right ear lobe.)
As a teenager I really just wanted to be in control of something. So much so that I swore I wanted my tongue pierced. After all a lot of girls were doing it, and I loved the idea of having something in my mouth to play with (keep the dirty thoughts out your head please lmao) so why not get it? I thought if I no longer wanted it, it would close up and go away. LIES… I pierced my tongue when I was 17, I’m 33, and the hole is open on the top and bottom, if I shoved a tongue ring through it would reopen completely. The same is said for my belly ring and ear piercings.
I honestly got my tongue ring due to peer pressure and not wanting to sound like a hypocrite. Originally I had told a few friends of mine and my boyfriend at the time, I was going to do it. I took the train to the village in Manhattan. As soon as I arrived, I changed my mind. I couldn’t imagine the pain involved in that. Ten minutes after being in the tattoo shop I changed my mind and did it. To be honest, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be but in hindsight, NO I wouldn’t do that nonsense again! I couldn’t tell you how many tongue rings I have swallowed and had to wait to pass in my bowels.
I pierced my belly for myself. I thought it would be cute and it was until I got pregnant. At the time they didn’t have the nice ones you could wear during pregnancy, so that phase ended quickly. This is a piercing I don’t regret whatsoever. I can cover it up and show it when I want. I often notice people tend to make unfounded judgments based on piercings and tattoos. In this society, I’ve learned that while many people come off as they are very accepting, they aren’t. Mostly because they don’t understand it, and people fear what they don’t understand, so I do what makes me happy but I make sure it doesn’t prevent me from obtaining more things that make me happy.
I don’t regret any of my piercings, they are apart if me and each have a memory that reminds men of my youth, and how far I have come. I’ve an amazing life so far. I’m so excited to see what the future holds as well!
~~From the Desk if Ms. Noir- #30Day writing Challenge
I’ve never been the type of person to have a hero, or a favorite anything. I just recently discovered that chocolate chip cookies are my favorite cookie. That’s only because I have been eating it since I was about 3 years old, FAITHFULLY. Now I used to go back and forth on that because I would eat Oreos (double stuff or lemon only) sometimes (Lies I ate those cookies for a year everyday three times a day), sometimes I liked oatmeal raisin. So I couldn’t accept that they were my favorite, until I realized I ventured back to chocolate chip no matter what I turned to throughout the years. Sooo again it takes me a while to realize stuff! LOL. (Please stifle that judgement I smell rising up.)
I like to believe I fascinate myself. Just when I decide something, I change my mind. Just when I think I understand something, I learn something else. Just when I think I dressed my best, I find an even more impressive piece of jewelry that will make my next ensemble look epic.
Everyday I learn something new about myself as a mother, as a woman. I’ve learned that life isn’t as hard as people make it seem. Yes things do happen in life, but if I manage my reactions, things aren’t nearly as catastrophic as they originally appeared.
I’m fascinated by my ability to remain resilient throughout abandonment of family, betrayal of friends, and heartache from lovers. I am amazed that I continue to have love to give even when others don’t reciprocate. I am fascinated with the empath in me. I am intrigued by my mind and my abilities. I am mostly curious as to what the universe has in store for me since I have made so many discoveries recently. So to the universe “Thank you for yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I am eternally grateful for the blessings before me, the ones given yesterday and the ones that will be bestowed upon me going forward.” I’m manifesting more fascinations with myself, my courage, my wits, my beauty- sending it forth in the universe.
My mind wanders so much, so often. I live in a fantasy world inside this brain of mine. If I could live somewhere, it would be in a lake house somewhere in the mountains. Which mountains, it wouldn’t really matter. What lake, doesn’t matter. In truth I love nature. I DO NOT like insects, reptiles or amphibians though. I used to think I wanted to have a beach house. I love the sun, the idea of tanning and living off seafood for an eternity, but I love the idea of a lake house more. I would still have access to the sun.. I could live off the land if I needed to. I would appreciate the quiet, the ability to do most things early in the day because I rise and set with the sun. I would value my alone time to think as well. I’d love the idea of just laying by a nearby river and listening to the water flow.
I have been in the mountains for hikes, and rafting, however I have never been camping. I’m sure if I did go camping and actually slept overnight in nature I may change my mind. However I believe that vacation and living somewhere are two different things and with time, in my own home I would adjust. As long as I am able to drive to a nearby store for last minute items I would love to own a lake house. Manifesting this and sending it into the universe NOW!
~~From the Desk of Noir #30 Day Writing Challenge…
#1If I care about you I will impersonate you: I love to do voice impressions of people I know.., I like to see if they can guess who I am pretending to be.
#2 I love to eat… No I’m not a vegan. People seem to think that just because I do yoga, and happen to be thin that I must have some strict diet. Not at all, I eat what my body desires and requires.
#3I have a preteen son:: I am a Mom and I love being a mom. Eventually I want to have at least four more children.
#4 I love to Sing: I like to singa about the moona and the Junea and the Springa, ( hat’s from an old school cartoon). I love to sing. I sing when I’m happy, sad, angry, cleaning, etc. It is my therapy.
#5 I love holidays:: Only because I love family/friends gatherings. I love to decorate and have a good time with those I care about.
#6 I love to talk:: Whew Chile, I can talk about anything FOREVER.
#7 I love animals: I have found pets outside and brought them home. DO NOT do that ever, wild animals are just that wild animals, I had to find that out the hard way.
#8 I’m bougie- and unapologetic about it: I love nice stuff. I like to eat at nice places, and I don’t mind spending the money to get it.
#9 I’m a control freak: I like order. I like answers, I like when things make sense, if its out of order- I’m out of order LOL.
#10- I’m a sun child: I love the sun, nature (excluding insects), but when the sun goes down so do I. I’m in bed by 8pm every night. I like to rise and set with the sun.
~~From the Desk of Ms. Noir #30DayWritingChallenge
Kissing you is all that I’ve been thinking of…. Kissing you is ooh.. -Total said it best in the kissing you song…
I had my first real kiss when I was 13 years old. I was in middle school, but it was one of those Kindergarten through Eighth grade schools, on top of that it was a Catholic school. We had been told that kissing led to sex and sex was WRONG! My mom forced me into believing that boys were nothing but trouble, so it wasn’t in my mind to think of them outside of the normal things like, playing in the dirt, jumping off the monkey bars, playing tag and red rover.
One day Christopher G., a boy in my class decided he liked me and I should be his girlfriend. So he passed me a note saying so. Now I wasn’t like the other girls. I never had my hair done all pretty, nor did I hike my skirt up to 2 centimeters below my butt. I was the girl in the uniform long skirt with ZERO pleats in it from Cookies (because my mom couldn’t afford the schools official brand), the oversized vest, and the hole in her tights because the fell playing in the park after school last week. I was the girl who didn’t care too much about fitting in, because I already knew the girls didn’t like me, and the boys treated me weird because I hit puberty early. So when he told me he liked me, I was kind of like- Why? Nonetheless I responded to his question via the note passed to me. I sent the note back and told him ok. I like you too.
Later on, after sometime had passed, we began passing notes more often, talking on the phone, etc. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. We never hung out outside of school. My mom DID NOT play that whatsoever! So one day when we had been dismissed from school early, we agreed to meet up in a secret hallway in a parking garage that was attached to a local movie theater.
Once I got there, he was already there. He brought me a Pokemon necklace, which I absolutely loved. I was obsessed with Charmander. It was the cutest thing ever. Of course I was all excited, so he leaned in to kiss me on the lips. I reciprocated by kissing him back. Closed lipped at first, then I felt something wet slide between my lips, and again I reciprocated. He pulled my body against his, and in that moment I took in everything. I could smell his scent, which was amazing, I could feel the warmness of his breath as he breathed on me, the temperature of his body as I caressed his neck. I don’t know what he felt, but I felt amazing. All these things inside me felt like they were on fire. We broke our embrace and stared at each other for a bit, then we headed inside to watch a movie. I don’t even remember what we saw, because we made out the entire movie.
To be honest I don’t remember kissing that passionately since then.. So Christopher wherever you are.. thanks for the making my first kiss epic, and setting the bar high as hell!!
Social Media, how I love to hate thee. I love social media for sooo many reasons. I can connect with my family overseas, I can shop for more things, I can network my business, and connect with like minded people who are far in distance, but have grown close in my heart. Just as there are positives to social media, there are some negatives. To be honest, some days these negatives keep me from posting online, or even logging on at all.
Social Media for me started back on Sconex and Myspace. I had a few friends on Sconex, but didn’t use it much. Now Myspace, tuh! I had hundreds of friends, from school, from neighborhoods I hung out in throughout the city, work, friends of friends, family, etc. Now did I speak to all these people? HELL to the NO, but I had them on my page. Back then you could put people in your top 5. Every day I would upload my pictures(cause I was cute!), and update my top 5 people. People would freak the hell out if they weren’t placed in your top five. It instantly caused a stir. Which brings me to my first problem with social media.
#1: People interact less... The ending of Myspace and the beginning of Facebook asking us “What’s on your mind”, is how people began to interact less. Everyone logs online to express his/her feelings, meanwhile, there is a living, breathing soul standing/sitting beside them. Instead of typing in how you feel, why not have a conversation out loud that would probably take all of five minutes. Sharing how we feel definitely makes us feel better, (Which is why facebook asks “What’s on your mind?”) but we should be sharing with those who actually connect with in reality. More often than not, people online are just that, people you met online. Should an emergency happen to you, most of those people probably don’t even know your real name. It’s important to build connections with people in real life, face to face interactions help maintain a healthy lifestyle.
#2: Scammers and Spammers: I’m so sick of being tagged in numerous music videos, chain mail messages, work from home companies, groups that cater to nonsense, etc. I understand that social media was created to connect, and share, however I don’t want to be that connected. There should be an online etiquette course for dummies or something.
Some people are able to create an image for themselves on the internet and scam people for money. Sadly there are limited ways to monitor this, so beware when you are speaking to someone online and they ask for money or banking/card information. You need to know the person you are talking to, MEET him/her in person at least!
There is also a chance you might be shopping on instagram(twitter/facebook), and there could be a link you may click on that may give your computer/phone a virus. I personally only shop through websites I am sure are legitimate, but even they can be hacked, so I try to monitor how often I purchase from these sites as well.
#3: Unwanted Messages: My Momma always said being beautiful is a curse and a blessing. Personally I can live without the unwanted messages I receive online, ALL of them. AGAIN there should be an online etiquette course. It should require you to pass the course in order for you to obtain an account. I get hundreds of messages online a day. It annoys me mostly because there is NO way to filter between the unsolicited pictures of male body parts, and hey beautiful/sexy messages, from the I’m looking to do business/ become a client messages. Don’t even get me started on the old people/novice social media users, who send -forward this message to receive money, or forward this message to avoid bad luck. Like if you don’t stop sending me this nonsense, I’m NOT forwarding this to any place but the trash folder!
#4 Bullying/Stalking: I’ve noticed more often that not that some people like to sit online and lurk. They will monitor all the things others post, won’t post much, and when they do it’s a meme or something to that effect. While I don’t believe that people should have to post all the time, I do believe that if you choose to have a social media account, you are choosing to be social, which means you shouldn’t be watching all the time like a stalker. Yes it is stalking if you follow a person on Twitter, Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, etc. You’re literally watching everything they do BUT not interacting with him/her. Which is the equivalent to standing outside his/her window and watching them at work, attend school, go the park, workout at the gym, or having dinner with friends. If you’re friends online – like the damn photo, leave a emoji comment, oh here’s a thought say “Hi!”
Bullying seems to happen a lot more online since everyone can be anyone they want to be the moment they log on. Personally I have a “If it doesn’t apply let it fly,” mentality. When I see things I don’t agree with, I shake my head, mumble underneath breath, and scroll on. I don’t comment my opinion. Just because someone posted, doesn’t mean they wanted MY opinion. However we do live in a society that believes everything is directed at them. Which is silly, if that person didn’t tag you, its irrelevant. I’ve notice many posts that have comments that are just hateful and hurtful, yet people will laugh at it and agree. Those who laugh and agree would not feel the same should the roles be reversed. Not all things need to be said in a public forum. Social media is just that a public forum. As a whole we need to be mindful in how we treat each other, some people kill themselves based off of the feedback they receive online.
#5 Silly Trends: I’m glad I know when to LEAD, and when to be LED. I am aware that I know many things but I don’t know everything which is why, I stay in my lane. I can’t STAND seeing a post online, and scrolling twice just to see it again. I will close the app, open a DIFFERENT app, and see the same damn post, TWO MORE TIMES, from different people? Nah. I’m over this. Why is it that we have to share things we see? We aren’t being paid for them, yet we share them? Honestly, I wouldn’t complain about the posts if they were inspirational. If they helped educate the youth, hell if it educated me! If they helped people overcome traumas, if they helped people get a trade for a career. Most of them don’t, they promote idiocy, and horrible behaviors. So anytime I see a post I don’t care for I unfollow the person who shared it. I can modify what I am exposed to so I do.
Social Media can be wonderful, but it can also be a lot to deal with. There is a fine line between actually being social on social media, and just lurking. Sometimes we need to log off and actually live the life we have been given. Instead of posting about it. We have to learn to take the pictures, hold on to them for awhile, let it remind us of the moment and how we felt in during it. It is necessary to learn to be social with a purpose. Make the connection with yourself and those around you, both off and online. Don’t immerse yourself in the person, immerse yourself in the content. I always ask myself “Is this what I need to have in my life right now?” if it is it remains on my page, if it isn’t I unfollow. After all if it doesn’t apply, Let it fly.”
~~From the Desk of Ms Noir~~
Join me during my writing challenges instagram: msnoirchronicles
When I was twenty years old, I became a mother to a handsome, healthy, active little boy. While I was excited about being a mom, I was terrified of how I would appear to others. After all, I was young in my mind I needed to visually be appealing. I decided I would do yoga to tone my body up while I stayed home with my newborn. Fast forward, to my early thirties, I experience major anxiety and depression, so I decided to see a therapist. After attending one of my therapy sessions I noticed a flyer to a yoga session for anxiety and depression. I joined and the rest is history!
Yoga is one of the oldest methods of wellness. It is a major part of my life and career. It allows me to be myself in various ways. Anytime I need to clear my mind, relax my body, feel in pain, distracted, lonely, vulnerable, miserable, basically any emotions I canNOT handle, I hit the yoga mat. I find my best inspirational and creative ideas during this time of peace and stillness. While there are many benefits to doing yoga, I have had a few issues with it as well. I find that I love to learn things immediately, and yoga requires patience.. lots of it. Learning the poses mentally is easy, but physically pushing my body beyond its usual limits was a struggle for me. It hurt, left bruises when I would land incorrectly, and bruised my ego ALOT. People always discuss the benefits of yoga, but they didn’t mention the fact that it hurts when you don’t get it right the first few times, they leave out the soreness your muscles feel, or the bruises you may acquire from various poses. Eventually even with bruises, and sore muscles, which happen from time to time, you learn the art of being a yogi. That in itself is epic!
My Top Five Reasons I love Yoga:
ONE: Pain Relief | When I first started yoga years ago, I was younger so my body had more flexibility to it. Eventually I took a break from the exercise to work and focus on other things. When I came back to it this year in March, my body was stiff, I could hear body parts, cracking and popping.. which sounds weird and scary. Eventually after a few yoga sessions on the mat, my body began to flow easily, from head to toe. I spend a lot of time stretching parts of my lower and upper back.| A few of my favorite poses: Bridge Pose, Legs up the wall Pose, Happy Baby Pose Child’s Pose, and Cat/Cow Pose.
TWOAnxiety/Depression | I spend so much time being worried about things I can’t control. It takes up a lot of my day, and it eventually effects my body. I feel as if I can’t breathe, may head is spinning, I want to vomit, with a few other various physical things I can’t explain verbally. I also tend to harp on the things I want now, that I feel entitled to, it makes me sad that I work hard and I can’t physically see the things I worked so hard for. It makes me depressed occasionally, so I turn to my mat. I find that when I do, I can meditate and focus on what is bothering me and how to make myself feel better, or develop a way to cope. | A few of my favorite poses that ground me and bring me back to the present are: Triangle Pose, Tree Pose, Mountain Pose, Corpse Pose, Warrior Pose (I,III, III)
THREEHealth | I love my body. I rather take care of it throughout my life, then wait until I’m old and start working out, eating healthy and living a clean lifestyle. Since doing yoga I have improved my circulation within my body, improved my breathing, strengthen my wrists (I had bad carpal tunnel syndrome) as well as other body parts, reduced my stress levels, and improved my sleep. | A few of my favorite poses for stress relief Wide Legged Fold Pose, Eagle Pose, Plow Pose, and of course Child’s Pose.
FOUR Freedom | Yoga allows me to go with the flow. I have no choice but to relax, and let my body do its thing. If I’m in pain, I let my body decide which poses are going to work for me. If I’m sad, I let my mind wander as my body conforms to the poses that are needed to make me feel better. Yoga isn’t just for the young, or the petite it is for everyone, all shapes, ages and sizes. It is empowering and makes me feel bold, brave, and invincibly beautiful. | Some of my freedom poses are: Dancers Pose, Supported Shoulder stand Pose, Hero Pose and Rag Doll Pose.
FIVEEmotions | I love that I can cry as I meditate on my mat. Life is a lot sometimes. I don’t have time to sit down and process everything, but when I have time to get on my mat, I can clear my mind. Meditating and focusing on my breath allows me to concentrate on what is deeply effecting me. Which each breath I visualize as I inhale the things I want to come to me, and as I exhale I visualize the things I want to leave me alone.| Some of my favorite poses are: Lotus Pose, Boat Pose, Triangle Pose.
There are so many benefits to doing yoga, and so little reasons to NOT do it. I can do it pretty much everywhere I go. It doesn’t cost too much and it relieves stress naturally. It fits my lifestyle and encourages me to be at peace as I discover the many things that make me who I am, and evolve into who I am destined to be.
Hanging out and holding hands, kissing while we listen to slow jams…
I wanna know what that feels like…
Walking around all day, our imaginations and stomachs leading the way… Laughing until my face hurts, tears rolling down my cheeks, no anxiety to be found just good times as we stroll down the street..
Yea.. I wanna know what that feels like...
Dinners for two, where? You decide boo.. He’d let me select the place, because he knows I’m selective with what I put in my face. He won’t complain about my weird little quirks. “Don’t worry babe, we’re a team, that’s why we work.” He’ll know what to say, at the right time and right place. He’ll be handsome, the type of guy who has style, respect, and grace.
I gotta know what that feels like…
He’s understanding because he’s taken the time to learn me, like a student does a subject they want to pass, He’s signed up willingly and I’m his favorite class. He’s on time and rarely makes a promise he can’t keep. He’s there when I need him and holds me as I sleep. He provides for me and more ways than one, he loves me even when things get rough and they’re no longer fun.
I deserve what this feels like…
I have loved a few too many, to know what love feels like, and what lust can be.. I spent a time or two blaming everything on me… While some fault is mine, it isn’t mine alone to bear, however it is important for me to learn to appreciate myself and provide my own care…
Self love is real… I love what this feels like
When I love me others reciprocate. They show me the love I show myself, I no longer have to beg or debate. Falling in love with me was the best thing I could do, its given me a different perspective.. a different view…
I provide the love I want to feel, so when he shows up and gives me what I ask for, I’ll be ready to receive it, I’ll know it’s real!
It took me a while to understand the purpose in choosing a man I want vs choosing one I needed. I was always taught to handle my needs first, they were more important, so I spent a lot of time catering to my needs, and the men I attracted did the same. They usually made sure I wanted for nothing, and in the beginning were sweet, loving, understanding, supportive, super excited to be with someone as beautiful as me.
As time passed, I when my needs were no longer met, I began to resent them. I later realized the importance of meeting my own needs. Filling my own belly when I needed to eat, taking care of my son, solo, writing my own rent check, driving my own car, and working to sustain myself made me feel powerful. It made me see how different life is when you don’t NEED a man, but you want one.
The man I need will always fulfill my desires. He will communicate, he will cook & clean (if it’s his thing, if not he will order in and hire a maid), he will babysit, pay bills, etc. He will drag his feet to make a major commitment (marriage) but will hold you captive forever. However should I try to advance beyond how he met me, he will try to make me feel inadequate. See he can only tolerate me when I need him…. Once I advance beyond this place I’m in… he thinks I won’t need him anymore…
Whereas a man I want… He will do all the things aforementioned, and support me. He will encourage me to be great, despite the obstacles. He’ll call busllshit when he knows I’m slacking and making excuses- but won’t offend me. There’s more teamwork (instead of, you were supposed to do the dishes, I cooked, or I washed the clothes you were supposed to put them away!), there’s appreciation that is shown, there is more growth, there is more love.
I have learned the difference between being cared for and being tolerated. Sometimes you just get used to people, you been with them so long you can’t see life without him/her… Let it go.. Happiness is not determined by the time on a calendar or a clock. It is measured by the smiles, and the moments I create with those around me. I want to be in love with someone who has taken time to know me, inside and out. Not someone who has humped me so many times we’re fooled into thinking its love.
To attract someone I want vs someone I need, I had to leave the land of desperation. Stop waiting for someone to save me… They are not coming. Understand that it’s ok to work hard for something, I appreciate it more. Be the type of woman I want my son to marry and my daughter to grow into. Know how to pay bills, cook, clean, take care of my health and how manage my emotions. Look towards my future, but live in the moment. Just don’t make poor decisions while doing so. I’m learning to be prepared for what I ask for, after all if it’s given to me today, I won’t know how to handle it. I appreciate this journey of Noir.. My Chronicles are endless…
Sometimes I get bad news, I tend to ignore it and pretend its not happening. If not I get bad news and I overreact. I’ve been realizing lately, the real reason that I lash out is because I never get the chance to truly express how I feel. People assume because I am “strong” that I can handle anything. NO I am human. I’m only “strong” because I don’t have a full support system. I am my support system, while to some that is a symbol of strength to me it is a blessing to be strong but a curse. I don’t get a break to truly enjoy anything or anyone, because I have to be realistic about the situation.
I believe that there is no such thing as half full or half empty glasses. We all have a glass with the same amount in it to start off with. It’s filled halfway PERIOD, no more toward empty than it is full. However, every interaction you have with another person, will determine if your glass remains as it is, if it will get more liquid, or if you will lose some liquid. Every time you give some of your time, words, actions, thoughts, energies, etc. to someone other than yourself, you are pouring into someone else’s glass, meaning you are nowlosing liquid. In this case, you are losing out, everyone is benefitting from you, yet you don’t have anything left to benefit you. Every time someone reciprocates, they are pouring into your glass, you are now gaining more liquid. In this instance, if you continue to receive and never return you will overflow eventually. Which allows you to give to as many people as you want, but at your expense (when you choose to give it out). Many people love this technique, but forget what is done to others will be done him/her, when they least expect it.
The key is to give and to receive and remain balanced. I struggle with giving too much and not being receptive to receiving. As I’ve gotten older and began requesting that people give me the love I deserve, I have lost many family members, friends and lovers. I understand now that it is mostly because I put the needs and wants of others before my own. I would call to check in on people who won’t text me happy birthday. I would visit people where they live, meanwhile they won’t video chat me to see if I am ok or sick. While I understand life is keeping people on their toes, I am no different. I make time, just as they could, only I wasn’t worth the time- at least not to those people.
I used to be angered by it. I would yell and scream, sometimes say nasty things. In hopes that my feelings would be respected and I would be heard. The fact is, all I had to do was stop calling people to see they only call me when they need something. I had to start traveling alone, or I wouldn’t see the world. I had to start relying on me, and putting the energy I put into others into myself. Once people see that I respect me and how I feel they have no choice but to do the same. I can’t force anyone to see my value, but I can make them see my value with my absence.
I have the ability to see what is in front of me now. I am willing to make the hard choice and admit to myself that he may not love me like I love him. My mom may never be close to me the way I want her to. My dad may never care for me as I need him to. My friends may never show the amount of loyalty I need, I may never remarry, or have more children, but none of these things are in my control. What is in my control, is the ability to respond instead of react. Process my thoughts and feelings/emotions, because although they feel permanent now they are beyond temporary. I will feel different in a day, a week, a month, most definitely a year. It’s ok to make the hard choice upfront so I can be happy in the end. I deserve it. I am gentle with myself, I am patient with the process, I understand that what is for me will be for me, nothing and no one can stop that.
Everyday I wake up and I thank the universe for the blessing of life. The ability to open my eyes, to yawn and hear the sound of it. To be able to put my feet on the ground and carry my own body to the bathroom. I’m thankful to be able to relieve myself on my own terms, that I can bathe myself, and have the finances to afford soap, with the physical ability to get it myself. I am thankful for the small things, but sometimes the other things in my life cause me to forget what is given to me, can ALSO be taken from me.
Like other women before me, I thought that I had things mapped out. I thought that all I had to do was add the man to the plan. Truth is, I can’t add a man to my plan anymore than he could add me to his plan. While I am open minded to many things, I am not open to the idea of someone planning my whole life without a thought of my feelings about it.
In hindsight after a few failed attempts at dating, and major heartbreaks from a few relationships, I realize I do a lot of planning major for permanent things with temporary people. I do this because what I want is more important that who I wanted it with. In my mind the person could have been anyone. I wasn’t specific, therefore the universe delivered the basics of what I asked for. Now I want quality, I want someone who is like me in many ways, but is able to balance me in all the other ways.
I had a pivotal moment in my life that made me realize, I have broken a few hearts, not on purpose, but because I was searching for my happiness. I deserve to be happy. I work hard, so I deserve a partner who will reciprocate. I love deeply so I deserve a partner who can absorb my love and fill me will more love than I poured into him. I communicate thoroughly, so I deserve a partner who can comprehend me, interpret my actions. At this point in my life, I understand that it’s not about whether people like me/want me around, it’s about whether or not I like/want them around. I get to dictate who I give my time energy and effort to, therefore I have a type of person I prefer to be involved with, and it is what it is….
My journey has taught me that sometimes my words, (opinions, feelings, etc) will hurt/disappoint/anger someone. They may excite others, some may agree with me. It won’t change my words (opinions, feelings, etc). I am not responsible for what is comprehended/felt by anyone. What the next person eats won’t make me shit, therefore my main priority and focus is on me and what I need to get done. If I want things a certain way, there is no reason for me to explain it, or justify it for anyone. I’m confident in my decisions, I trust myself to make the best choices for me. I know what I need/want/desire. Trusting the process has made me ok with being vulnerable, with being wrong, with changing what I can control and accepting what I cannot. The level of peace that has swept over me is amazing, I affirm daily that I can maintain this feeling for an eternity. Even if it waivers, I ask that it comes back down to this level of peace and tranquility, of certainty within moi, Ms. Noir!
I have decided it’s ok for me to be picky. To say I don’t want to date anyone who looks a certain way, makes a certain amount of money, or has certain issues. To say I want more and want a person who offers the same.
For so reason I keep latching onto what isn’t for me, jobs, men, clothes, shit New York State. I tricked myself into thinking that if I moved out of NYC that I would be someone different. I could move here graduate from college, start my career be the black Betty Crocker. I’d raise my son on my own until I met the tall, dark, intelligent, spiritual, business owner version of me. After that we’d fall in love, get married, the three of us would move to the south and buy a farmhouse, live off the land (of course we’d hire farmers!) and be happy. We’d have a few more kids and we’d adopt a few pets from the local pet shelter. He’d run his businesses, I’d run mine, but we would both be active in our children’s lives- attending family functions, like soccer/basketball games, ballet recitals, track meets, tennis matches-plays and school dances. Needless to say, my ass has this fairytale that just needs to be created in REAL life.
It’s so hard for me to leave a job and start all over again, (unless the pay is shitty, then I’m ready to fast break out of there) new location, new clock in and out method, new employer, new lunch rules, etc. I may not be best friends with my coworkers, but I usually adapt a way to deal with them, now I have to start over? It seems like every four years I’m ready for a promotion, but it comes with a new company, and a new W2- and that is absolutely annoying to wait for during tax season. I’m at this point now where I’m ready to have a career that I have invested time and energy into that also pays me for my efforts. So I’ve decided to do what I love, the transitional period (aka letting go) I am in is soo painful.
Despite all that I have been through, I still believe I can get what I have longed for my entire life. I just need to readjust my tactics. I have to let go and let the universe take care of me. The rejections that have been sent my way, keep ignoring them, swearing that I know better than the universe. I stayed with men who didn’t see the value in me, because I see the value in them, and knew that if they were with me we could be epic. See I’m all about growth and being better than yesterday. Many of them couldn’t pay the price it cost to be with me, yet I still lowered the price. After a discount many of them felt they deserved me the way they wanted me, not how I was. It usually takes a minute for me to let go, mostly because I believe people have the same heart/mindset I do, and they don’t. Accepting that is a bitter pill to swallow. For a while it sat in my throat and made me want to vomit, shit sometimes I did vomit. Like how could they NOT care for me, at all? Or maybe they did, just not how I need them to care. Either way it’s time to sever the bond.
Bonds are often harder to break when I’ve created memories with people. I have old friends I will never contact due to betrayal, I have ex’s (boyfriends, boos, baes) I will love from a far because they couldn’t love me properly up close. I have relatives on my social media profiles that I would walk by in the street, if you can’t support me, you can hate on me from the same place everyone else does-outside. It pains me inside to my core, but my disposition will remain cool. I am mastering my self love and appreciation. Something I was unable to do maintaining toxic relationships with those around me.
It’s time for me to break free and spread my wings. I can still have the life I want, I just have to be happy in the moment, explore life as it is and not for what I want it to be. The signs have been put up to protect me, so I’m letting go of what should be and accepting what it is baby!!
My Letting Go Prayer: I am enough… I do enough… I will gain more by letting go… I trust my mind to choose wisely, for my heart to love with wisdom, for my body to move with courage and agility. I trust myself to move forward with no regrets, with the understanding that I deserve the best which will come when it supposed to NOT when I want it to. I am worthy, it is ok to disconnect from what drains me, but refuses to replenish me. My spirit comes first, I am letting go what continues to hold me down, suffocates me, or diminishes me. I am free.
I wish I understood the severity of this statement before I EVER had sex. That pivotal moment when the nurse came into the examination room screaming “Congratulations! You’re going to be a mom!” actually made me want to throat punch her. However she left the room unscathed, and almost 12 years later my mind is still trying to embrace a naive decision I made at the age of 20.
Although 20 is old enough to know where a baby comes from, it is not old enough to understand that I would be SOLELY responsible for the life of another individual. The fact that no matter what occurred in the world, that was MY BABY, before anything else I was his mother, forever- in life and death. Once my kid is 20, I will have spent my entire life having been nothing more than someone’s daughter, and someone’s mother!
Somewhere between 25 and 32 I had an emotional breakdown and realized it’s just me and my kid for an eternity. I did not plan for it to just be me and him, but that is irrelevant now, because none of that will change anything now. It’s imperative for me to figure out how to move forward, with minimal assistance and resources then and now, I will move on.
When things go down in my life, I have to support myself with kind words. Take a deep breath and remember: Sis you got this, this is temporary. I have no emergency contacts, and that is hurtful. While I’m supportive of EVERYONE in my life , that energy is NEVER reciprocated. People are quick to offer support when things are good, but when shit hits the fan- **CRICKET** CRICKET** If I’m incapacitated there is NOT a soul I could call to keep my kid! (So if I’m hurt I gotta suck that shit up! ) If he’s hurt there’s not a soul I could call to assist me. So when I hear about women who snapped, I get why some women try to kill their children and themselves, or even give their kids up. A woman who is homeless, jobless, with no food to feed her children- no resources, lack of education and support would see no hope, no light at the end of that, dark ass tunnel. But people love to judge what they don’t understand, or what they have not experienced.
It irritates me to have to be the bigger person when dealing with his dad. I don’t know what prevents him from being active in my sons life, and at this point I don’t care. I do know that my experience with him as well as many after him as positioned me to only focus on myself and my child. I look at other women who were able to move on after a sour episode of relationships gone bad, and wonder what am I doing wrong? I’ve tried the relationships, the casual hook ups, the friendships, etc. I just don’t have the energy to entertain another human.
At first it was a self esteem thing, but soon I realized men don’t care too much what you look like so long as you can fulfill the purpose he needs you for. Then it became a need to have a family, I wanted one soooo bad. Mainly because my home life was shitty, and I wanted to create my own form of family and happiness. The only issue was I kept casting men who didn’t need to be my husband in that role. After dating a range of men from boring and annoying, to hustlers and abusers, I decided to put my fairytale ideas on a shelf and move on.
The bottom line is you can’t force what isn’t meant to be. It didn’t matter how much I wanted to create my own family, my actual family is shitty, while I can’t change it, I need to accept it. I can’t make a man love me, and create a family lifestyle I want. I can be a better mother than mine was to me. I can do all the things that make me happy without this fairytale of what should be. What is meant for me will happen slowly but surely. The universe has blessed me with a son to wake me up, make me see things from a different perspective. I’ve decided to embrace that and learn as much as I can.
Being a single mother was not apart of my plan, but it has educated me in more ways than I ever would have thought. Occasionally I have a meltdown or two wondering how will I make shit turn to sugar so me and my kid will be ok… But my tenaciousness will make sure we are always ok.
My Prayer to remain in the game:
On my worst day, which is today, I am allowed to have this feeling. I am allowed to cry. I don’t need to downplay my pain, now is the time to accept it and release it. I deserve to be happy, but that won’t happen until I acknowledge how I feel now. Tomorrow will be better if I let it. I appreciate what I have today, what I was given yesterday and what the universe will bless me with tomorrow. I have the wisdom to participate only in the things I care for, and the strength to let go of what does not serve me holistically.
At this age of my adulthood, I have determined what I want and need out of life. I know what career I want, what my passion is, and how I plan to get it. I know where I want to raise my children, and where I want to spend the end of my days. I know what I want in my significant other as well, so when it comes to what is available around me, I’m disgusted.
The vast majority of the men I encounter are asking for more than they are willing to give, expect a casual relationship or, just aren’t my type. Yes I said NOT my type. You can argue with me until you are blue in the face, (everyone has a type and should be upfront with that thought first before lying to me and themselves) but I like what I like and you are NOT going to change that. I refuse to settle with anyone I feel doesn’t meet my requirements in anyway shape or form. There are billions of people on this planet, someone is bound to be for me. When I say this trust me I understand that someone else doesn’t view me as his type as well. I’m not afraid to be rejected, I understand the importance of it, and respect the process.
Now the men that ask for an independent woman, that cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids, etc. She’s out there. Hell! She’s me. What do you bring to the table though? See because I bring the food to the table, I cook it, I work for it, I shopped for it, and to top it off I paid the rent to be able to keep the table in a warm, dry, comfortable location. So I ask again, what can you offer me? If it’s dick I’ll pass on that. See they sell those…. I make my own, handle my own, so what can you offer me? Basically you looking for your mama, the person to cook, clean, fill the fridge, make sure the toilet paper on the roll, etc. I only take care of humans that exit my body. DO NOT ask me to do more than you plan to, or will ever do.
As an independent woman, I don’t need loyalty, communication, honesty, blah blah, that should automatically come with the relationship territory. I need a man that is looking for a wife, someone who is compassionate, patient, and ready to be a father not only to my son, but to more children. A man that understands the delicate but fierce nature of a passionate black woman. He has to understand the balance of negatives and positives as well as appreciate the universe for its beauty. He has to respect me inside and out, and is willing to let me reciprocate all these things for him. He must be willing to share his inner thoughts, desires and dreams with me. He must want to evolve daily, both consciously and unconsciously. He must be devoted to our family that we create as much as I am. He must be able to lead, with advisement from his Queen and make the necessary decisions to make our family better.
I’m not trying to be my man’s momma. I want to be his wife. I want to be his best friend. I don’t ant him to ever feel alone, the balance we create will be epic, and impenetrable. He will be the type of man my daughters should marry, and the type of man my sons would strive to become. I will be the type of woman my daughter should look up to and the type of woman my sons should marry, The best way to teach is by example. Until he shows himself, I will remain seated. A man who finds a wife, finds his proper life!
Throughout my existence I felt that I had to conform to get through. I felt I had to be the dutiful daughter to make sure that I didn’t upset my parents. Like I had to do well in school to prevent my teachers from being disappointed. Like I had to stay with my boyfriends because they needed me. Like I had to be a good cousin/sibling because they’d do it for me. Like I had to go to that party with my friends, because they won’t like me if I don’t. As I aged I realized that I don’t have to do ANYthing I do NOT want to do. I don’t have to explain why, I also don’t have to feel bad.
I have finally gained insight to the quote “It’s not you, it’s me…” Before I thought it meant that the other person was not at fault, but I was at fault. When in reality it means, no one is at fault. There is no right or wrong, it just is. You are who you are. I am who I am. It’s basically saying, we agree to disagree and let bygones be bygones.
Honestly, I will not apologize for being me. I will not conform to something that does not benefit my lifestyle or future. I don’t expect anyone else to either, so now I live by this mantra ( as well as many others). I understand that not everyone likes what I like, or will have the same interests as me, I just ask that they are honest with me. I am aware that people may not like or accept me, that is perfectly fine. There are things and people I don’t like as well, and I don’t want to be forced to like them just because someone else believes I should.
I don’t need to be liked, I just asked that I am respected for who I am just as much as you want to be respected for who you are. Another thing about that saying is that, if something isn’t working out, I can’t control the circumstances or the person, I can control me, and how I feel. If it makes me uncomfortable in a negative way, it’s up to me to correct how I feel. It’s no one else’s responsibility. Therefore it’s not you ( it’s not your job to dictate how I feel or adjust the circumstances for me), It’s me ( I need to disengage, sit down, recalibrate and move forward).
Life requires me to look forward, back, to the side, above my head, below my feet, and then some. I don’t know what I am up against, but I do trust myself enough to make the right choices and live the best lifestyle I create for myself. So whenever I need to disengage and recalibrate I will, don’t be surprised if you hear me say, I’m good love… It’s not you.. don’t worry… It’s definitely me…
I limit the access I give to people. I’m quick to say no. I have no trouble blocking any energy that doesn’t mesh with mine own. I used to think that I had to be polite to be liked, but I realize now that none of that matters. People either like you or they don’t, and it’s not my place to worry about it. I have to concern myself with what I do and do not like.
It took me a while to properly learn to say no. To say no, not feel bad or feel as if I had to explain why I don’t like or don’t want to do something. The truth is no amount of justification will make a person accept you, the explain only satisfies you. No one else needs it.
It’s ok to say no, and not like something, after all clothing comes in different styles, sizes, and colors, because we have different perspectives. Every one has a type, outside of looks, we all have something that we need in a partner. If I feel you don’t offer me what I need/want, I don’t feel the need to engage in pretending to like you in that manner. I don’t believe in friend zones, I believe that if a man is trying to date me in the beginning he will always have that (sexual) energy towards me. I’m not in need of a sexual conquest.
I am in need of a spiritual companion. I’m not like the average female who needs honesty, loyalty and financial stability. I need to know what your soul feels when the full moon is out? How does your heart feel when the sun is at its highest peak and we are laying in the grass together? What does your mind think when we are on the beach with the wind caressing our skin, and the sun is setting in the distance? I need to know if you are willing to lead your household, and create a kingdom with a open-minded free spirited Queen by your side. Do you effectively communicate when you feel things are falling apart? Do you cry when no one is around? Did you ever have a moment that ever made you question your existence?
I believe that sex is an intimate exchange of energy that allows me to physically express my emotions inside and out. It allows me to connect to my partner, to feel vulnerable, to feel exposed. If I can’t bear it all, out loud, I can’t do it physically.
Now that being said, why do you want my number? I know why… because I look/appear visually appealing. Understandable, also relatable. While I may also find you attractive, I am willing to look and walk away. Why? Because you aren’t for me. You may look like you are, but you aren’t. You much like many others, will take my number, play the game for a bit, maybe even call once in awhile. However once you see that I am REAL life, with way too much dashes of Spirituality, the calls will lessen, the texts will stop. I will move on with life during all of it, as will you, but you will pop up in a month or so, using a holiday as a conversation starter- and I will ignore the text. So why even get that far? Why not just be adults, smile and say a polite compliment and move on… Just stop… Stop asking for my number… Learn to appreciate things/people for who they are, and appear to be. Move on so you can get what is meant for you, without blocking someone else’s blessing in the process.
Let’s be real. When I was born to a mom and didn’t have a dad, for whatever reason death, incarceration, abandonment, etc.) I was bound to become the worst type of statistic. No matter what I do, I find myself wondering what am I do wrong that I can’t get ahead. Now I know.
Since I was little, I always had a take charge type of attitude. I can be bossy and direct, and because of that people find me abrasive or aggressive. I am a passionate person who is always willing to share her opinion, however, I have learned to share my opinion when it asked, not when I feel it is needed.
My mom reminded me a lot growing up that not everyone wants to hear what I have to say. Sometimes I needed to be quiet. I was often punished for expressing myself, at home, in school, at work. It took me a while to realize, it’s not the fact that they don’t want to hear it, it’s the fact that they are NOT ready to hear it, and here I am shoving it down their throat.
I was born to be myself, but a statistic nonetheless. I have no knowledge of my heritage, I don’t have a bond with my father or my mother. Growing up at first I loved my dad, then I began to resent him. It never made sense to me why he could leave us and go be with someone else. As I got older I tried to connect with him and create a relationship, which was a waste of effort.
I also spent a lot of time trying to make my mother proud of me. She’s only said she was proud of me once in my 30 something years of living. While she’d break her neck to get anything done for my siblings, I KNOW she wouldn’t do the same for me. She has literally watched me struggle just to prove a point, only to have my siblings do the same thing, perhaps worse, and she’d guide them through it. She did at say she was proud of me ONCE when I graduated from college. Something SHE wanted me to accomplish. NOT something I wanted. I made efforts to connect to my mother once I became a mom. Mostly because I understood her a little more. While I still did not agree with her choices when it came to raising my siblings and me, I still felt that we should be closer. Time and time again she proved that would not be possible. I longed for a bond with my parents. SOOOOO badly!!! Part of me thinks it can be done, the rest of me is conscious it’s unrealistic.
I spent most of my life basically begging my parents to love me, be proud of me, want me. However, they never saw it and I cannot make them see it. Throughout this journey of self-discovery, I have learned the reason I had messy relationships is due to the fact that I was willing to suffer any fate so long as I could feel love. I didn’t have the love or support I needed, so I was willing to provide it for someone else as long as they showed/feigned interest in me.
The most painful yet liberating thing I had to ever accept in my life is that my parents love me ONLY because I came from them. They don’t know anything about me, they don’t care to know me, and that’s ok. My mom has taught me many things, one of them is: “Begging makes you look bad.” So I have stopped trying to connect to my parents. I have stopped trying to mend broken friendships. I don’t waste time dating men I know full of red flags. I have knowledge of self. I am aware of myself and what makes me phenomenal and what diminishes me. I channel my energy into myself. I am without a shadow of a doubt sure that I am capable of receiving as well as giving love and much more, so I will continuously feed that back into me (and my son) until a worthy recipient arrives.
The discovery of Self Love has been amazing for me even though it’s scary and hurtful. I cried a lot, I still do, randomly, but to be free you have to release. I began ending toxic relationships with friends, with exes, with lovers, with family, etc. has made me feel as if a weight has been lifted off my chest and I can breathe easier. I am manifesting everything I have ever desired. My mindset has shifted, my body is following behind it and I feel better than I have ever felt all due to a bit of clarity. I am thankful that I know my worth. I am thankful for the blessings bestowed upon me and I am ready for more. I am glad that I am able to express my hurt. It truly set me free.
Some days it’s easy to roll out of bed, and get ready for the day. I can get up ahead of time, or as the alarm goes off and get straight into the swing of things. Then there are those days when I wake up, and I wonder why am I still doing this? Why am I still waking up and going to work? To pay bills in an apartment I can barely enjoy because I have to WORK 40 hours a week. To buy food I only cook when I have energy to cook, or I’m starving. To pay for wifi, and electricity I barely use because I’m too busy working to maintain it. I wonder why I work hard to always have someone calling me about an unexpected expense, or a family event that is coming up that has NOTHING to do with me, like weddings, graduations, funerals, baby showers, etc. Why am I spending my hard earned money on people who barely remember to tell me happy birthday on the day I arrived on this planet? Why? Why? Why?
Well to be honest the answer sucks and it’s simple. I HAVE NO CHOICE. How would I eat if I didn’t cook the food to feed myself? How would I have the ability to put my key in the door of my building if I didn’t pay rent? How would I charge my phone, if I had no electricity? How would I have wifi if I didn’t have a job? Who would support me if I didn’t support them?
Although things are difficult at first, they are not impossible. You just have to decide is this worth it? How bad do I want this? Am I willing to sacrifice and invest my time, energy and efforts? Am I prepared if it doesn’t work out how I want it to? Look forward to the best in everything/everyone, but always prepare for the worst. Remember that self motivation can be at an all time high one day and the next you may feel like what the hell am I doing and why am I doing it? You just have to remind yourself that, you are stronger than the obstacle before you. This obstacle is as permanent as you make it. It can last forever because you give it power, control over you and what you want to get done. If you own it, and decide who you will control it, you are taking your power and deciding where and how it will be used. Focus on what you want to get, how you plan to get it, and eliminate everything else from your mind. Remind yourself that you have a goal, you’re going to achieve it.. PERIOD.
Honestly, things do appear to be one-sided when you are focused on your goals. You start seeing there is less time to hang out, less time to do what you want to do. Less time to enjoy the things you work hard for (which is always an issue for me). There are less friends, less family, less of so many things, but eventually when you continue working towards what you want, the light appears at the end of the tunnel. Your schedule lightens up because you eventually learn to manage your expectations and time. You meet like minded people, who understand you and know how to maintain healthy relationships. Things start to make sense.
As time has passed, I realize now, that time will always pass, it’s best to do what you want to do. It’s less painful to regret what you choose to do than it is to regret what you chose not to do. You have to live for yourself, so you can motivate yourself when others forget to, don’t want to, or don’t have time too. You have to be your biggest fan, because not everyone is rooting for you to win, but you definitely don’t want to fail. So as hard as it is sometimes, think about the times you thought you couldn’t get through something else that was hard, unfamiliar, or different. Don’t let something new scare you. Let it motivate you to be a better version of yourself than you were yesterday. You deserve it… That’s why we do it…. To obtain what we need, what we want, and most of all what we deserve!
I can admit when I am wrong. I can admit that there are days that I wake up wondering what would have happened if I did not let you go? Would we have stayed together? Or would there have been some other unforeseen circumstance that would occur? I think about how I stayed with you through so much. I consider my role in our situation and how it played out.
What I will say is, when I had you, we were young. We had high hopes for who we would become. We had different thoughts on our future, and perhaps the issue was that while we were growing up, we were growing apart. I can’t fault you anymore than I can myself for being young, and susceptible to life. In hindsight, I realize that I could have been more patient. I could have been a better listener. I could have been a little more appreciative. In saying that I’m sure you have a list of things you feel you could have done differently as well, but they don’t say hindsight is 20/20 for nothing.
I enjoyed you when I had you, but I let the trials and tribulations of life blindside me from what I was actually getting with you. Had I allowed patience to set in, I would have been able to discover your underlying obsessive love for me. Although time has passed, I still feel as if that connection never died out. While you belong to someone else, and my heart is closed off, my aura won’t let it go. My mind knows better, my heart is wiser than she once was, but the universe keeps tilting me down toward this feeling.
So I am here to say… I can admit that I am wrong. I let you go, I released you into the universe to gravitate where you need to go, yet you keep orbiting around me in one way or another. While I am thankful for your energy, I am grateful for what we had, and appreciative of what you taught me during that time. I hope she loves you the way you deserve to be loved. I have faith that you will be an amazing partner, lover, dad and then some. I am releasing you completely, with an open heart, a forgiving mind, and everlasting happiness from my vibrations to yours.
Life is hard for all of us.. We are all in a battle to be happy, as well as have stability in every way, shape and form. We all have choices to make in life which lead us to have experiences that mold us into who we are. While we are making these decisions we must be accountable for our words and our actions.
It may seem easy to be accountable. However it’s actually pretty difficult. It requires people to admit fault, to be vulnerable, and occasionally it requires people to admit lack of knowledge or ignorance. Often times people will use someone else as a scapegoat to save face and avoid feeling/ looking foolish.
If you do something wrong it’s necessary to be accountable for the action. If you say something offensive, you must decide if you would like to mend the bridge by apologizing (specifically for what offended that person; and refrain from using but in the apology ) and moving on from the incident OR sticking to what you said and dissolving the bond you already worked to build. However, offending someone and pretending it didn’t happen should not be an option. Making excuses for offending someone shouldn’t be an option either. Saying things like: “What about when you said.. , or when you did.. ” will only escalate an out of control situation and make you out to be insensitive or obnoxious. If you did it/ say it, own it, and move on. You can figure out why you have verbal vomit/or unconventional behaviors later, with your therapist. In the heat of the moment have the conversation, understand that sometimes 1. The truth may hurt, but 2. Your truth isn’t the next person’s truth. They don’t have to accept what you are saying at all. So it’s not necessary to shove it down their throats.
Don’t be the woe is me person all the time. Sometimes we have a bad day. That’s cool. NOT all days are bad. If you think you are having only bad days, you are viewing things in the most pessimistic way possible. Even cloudy days are bright. Start seeing things as they are, not as you are used to them. If you hate your job, that’s understandable, it just means you’ve out grown it. It’s time to move on. However, showing up late, doing subpar work, arguing with coworkers and being rude to clients won’t make you happier. Moving on to different things will though. It won’t happen right away, but it will happen. Circumstances in your life should not change your character. No one wants to hang around the person who says “why me”, ” I can’t” , “I don’t know,” all the time. Honestly you can do anything you attempt. Maybe not the first time, but with practice we can do anything. Minus grow wings! lol.
You’re allowed to cry and feel bad. Do that for five minutes, and after that, get back to business. In five weeks, five months, five years, you will be in a different place if you work towards it. Whatever you had a breakdown about today you probably won’t even remember. If you do remember it, If you are in the same place, I bet you regret it! If you actually worked towards what you want, I bet you feel a sense of progress if not you probably have what you wanted!!!! The first step is to acknowledge that you are impeding your own progress! The second step is to claim what is to be yours! Write it down! Save it as a screensaver on your phone/laptop. View it daily. Say it daily remind yourself!!! Work towards it little by little day by day, week by week, even if you want to work on something once a month in a year the results will be greater than they were when all you did was complain how you can’t do it at all!
Be patient understand that to bring you into the world, it took your mother NINE MONTHS. Every body part needed to develop and grow. Each part had to work together to make you who you are. Now you are out in the world, and all your experiences are coming together to finish making you who you are, understand that can happen all at once.. But it can happen.. Once you stop attending those pity parties, that only has YOU on the guest list! Make yourself who you want to be, it’s actually your destiny to do so.
Everyone wants loyal people around them, however not everyone is willing to extend the same level of loyalty that they expect from others. While being loyal is important, it should come with respect and should be extended to anyone who offers the same level or more to you. You should not be offering loyalty/respect to anyone who does not extend the same to you. You can however be cordial if you are related to this person, or have to work with him/her, etc. You are not required to be phony/fake by, smiling all in their face, ask how they are doing, and making superficial small talk. Be cordial enough to say hello and move on if you have to, and don’t do it with a weird face, or anything like that. People can sense bad energy.
Loyalty/Respect is not something that is earned. It is something that should automatically come with you meeting that person. You don’t know enough at that initial moment to discern whether or not they deserve your loyalty. You would expect that others would welcome you with warm arms and an open mind when you first meet them, you should send that same energy out into the universe.
Loyalty is required to keep the balance in any relationship (friends, lovers, associates, siblings). When loyalty is questioned, people lose trust. If they don’t have to question your loyalty, they trust you, and a bond can be formed. Bonds require effort most times. You have to nurture friendships/relationships. People need to feel wanted, appreciated, loved, secure, listened to, etc. When these things are compromised with someone they trust they begin to wonder what’s changed? Are these things being given to someone else? There’s that question of loyalty!
It’s only necessary to provide loyalty to those who reciprocate it. If you have a friend that you always support, you attend events, you call and see how her day is. You ask about her kids, you ask about her husband. She never calls or texts you. She doesn’t ask about you at all. That’s not the same loyalty. You’re not a priority you’re an option, there for you need to re-evaluate your level of loyalty. You can attend an event or two, maybe even call every now and then, but to do anymore will deplete your own energy. Example: If you have a glass that is half full, and you keep pouring what you have into your friend’s glass, and she never pours any back in yours from time to time, eventually your glass will be empty. We all have to save some for ourselves, and share with those who share with us.
Don’t be foolishly loyal in a relationship because he/she was there for you years ago. That was then this is now. Life is changing you every minute of every day. If that person is not doing for you NOW what they were doing then, its time to let go and grow. If they are being conditional with their loyalty don’t waste time compromising. Anyone who disrespects you definitely won’t be loyal to you. S/he has no reason to be loyal, it comes with respect, just as the left sneaker comes with the right sneaker.
Loyalty is necessary to maintain any relationship. If you have no loyalty you have no trust. Which means you have no bond. You don’t need to hold on to anything that is falling apart. It’s like trying to hold water in your hands or counting sand at the beach. You’re going to become frustrated and it’s time consuming. Time spent is time that you can’t get back. Spend it on those who respect and reciprocate your loyalty!
Just because I’m outspoken, doesn’t mean there are times I am speechless. Just because I smile doesn’t mean, I’m not hurt. If I choose to ignore something, it doesn’t mean, I’m not bothered , and if I don’t acknowledge it, don’t assume I forgot. There are times I’m taken aback by someone’s opinions or actions, so I may need time to process what is happening. I smile to keep from crying most times, solely because I rather appreciate what I have than cry over what I don’t have. I choose to ignore things, because it doesn’t help, encourage, or educate me so why entertain it? I choose to not acknowledge anything that has already been brought forward more than once, because at that point it is either a comprehension issue or a lack of caring about the situation. Neither one can I afford to dwell on, it will cost me more than I am willing to spend.
Strong friends have feelings too. Stop thinking we can handle it! Even better stop saying shit like, “You’re strong you can handle it!” I can probably survive a tornado if I was in the middle of it, doesn’t mean I want to be in the eye of a storm in a damn tornado! Some things we can handle, some things throw us off, and we spend time being sad, depressed, anxious, frustrated, etc. You know like EVERYONE else!!! We want to be supported just as we offer support to others. It’s nice when someone actually calls me and truly offers me words of comfort in my time of need. It dope to have friends that understand me inside and out. While loving myself is awesome, supporting myself and being my own biggest fan is great, its a wonderful feeling to know someone is there for me. It’s a beautiful feeling when someone buys you something randomly because it reminds him of you. Or having a party thrown in your honor for your birthday because your siblings love you. It’s amazing when you have cousins/best friends you can travel the world, make new memories and experiences with. However it takes work to maintain these bonds, which for some takes effort, and for others comes effortlessly.
People who are strong tend to be ignored. Everyone assumes they are ok no matter what is going on in their world. Strong people put on a front daily. They go to work, they take care of their families, they handle their financial responsibilities and while they may complain, they STILL get it all done. Then you have the ‘others’. Those who can’t seem to get things in order. “I gotta get my life together” type of people. Who always need a favor. Who can’t keep a job, who complain about everything from the kids to the weather. The people who need to borrow money, but you know you can’t let them borrow money, cause you’re not getting it back. Those people are always taken care of. They are always able to have support from someone, somewhere. While they say God takes care of fools and babies, I need God to send a special advocate for us strong people. I can tell you right now, we are tired. We don’t want to handle anymore.
While I know it’s easier to give up on things that are difficult, I understand what is at risk if I do. Being strong is very exhausting, but the results are rewarding as hell! I define who I am with my character, my actions, and beliefs. I don’t answer to anyone unless I absolutely have to, and I am happy within me. There is a freedom in not being weak but having weak moments. Weak moments give way to a teaching moment which leads to growth to make yourself stronger. However being continuously weak makes it easier for life to run you down and keep you there. Obstacles are made to slow you down, NOT stop you. Weak moments are just that, obstacles, they don’t deserve anymore than a few moments of focus, not a lifetime.
No matter what, in life the strong people have weak moments, and ‘the others’ occasionally have strong moments. As a friend check on your strong friend s/he may be struggling with something unfamiliar. Having support makes things easier to handle. Take a moment to send a text. It’s the little things in life that matter.
We have to remember to accept things as they happen and try our best not to make them out to be any more or any less than what it actually is. More often than not disappointment is due to the fact that you put faith in someone/something that was undeserving of your faith.
Faith is the belief in someone or something. I personally believe that faith and hope in others kills. It kills dreams, it stops people from living. Everyone should have something to believe in but it should be realistic, if not you find yourself upset, angry or frustrated. Why? Because you had faith something was going to go your way, or someone would come through for you.
How many times have you asked someone for a favor and they agreed to it and didn’t come through? How many times have you done something for someone else, and assumed they would do the same? How many times have you fell in love and had your heart broken? How many times have you been betrayed? Some people right now are like.. “I don’t know a lot…” Duh. Because you haven’t accept that the only person who is deserving of faith is yourself.
You know what you are capable of, and how you will or won’t approach things. You can control yourself and no one else. So that is where your faith should be directed. Don’t think that other people will put you first, because while there is a chance they may do so, there is still chance they might not come through. That’s why they say, “If you want something done right, do it yourself.”
Believe in yourself the way you believe in others. Love yourself the way you give love to others. Make sure that your faith isn’t misguided. Remember that while you may do something for someone that does NOT mean they have to do the same for you. However you should surround yourself with people who are able to reciprocate positive energy and anyone who takes and doesn’t give is NOT a positive person, they are manipulative users.
Hope is needed to keep us going, but don’t let it turn you into a fool. Be hopeful for a happy life, for goodness in those you meet, for anything you believe you deserve, but be aware of what you deserve, and what you don’t. Be prepared for the opportunities that may come your way by being receptive, by being aware of what you need in your life, who you need in your life, and what is beneficial for it. If things go awry, remember that bad things happen, but they don’t last. Remember how people treat you when things occur, remember how you feel, remember the things you deserve and don’t let hope trick you into becoming someone you’re not to accommodate a situation you are unfamiliar with. Our choices make our experiences, our experience mold us into our future selves. Stay focused… Don’t get lost in the sea of hope… Get lost in the Sea of Self Discovery and Inner Peace.
I look around and I see smiles… But I have to remind myself that people love to smile to prevent others from seeing the actual pain they are feeling. Sometimes it’s easier to say “I’m fine,” than it is to have a discussion about what you are feeling, especially when you know that other person either doesn’t care , or is possibly fishing for information. Self love will teach others how to treat you. It shows you value yourself, time, energy, efforts, and beliefs. That you are kind to yourself, you are patient, meaning others must do the same. It shows you are thankful for your existence, and they should be too! The more you love yourself the less likely you will be entwined with others who are hell bent on making you their emotional slave.
A lot of people believe that love is effortless, and comes naturally. Love is learned, much like everything else. The only things that come natural, are the things we need to survive. Like Body functions come naturally, the need to find food and shelter, are natural- you don’t want to be cold, wet, or hungry! However while love is a desire we all have, it’s not necessarily a need. You can technically survive without it, but who really wants to go through life, never experiencing the feeling of love or being loved, by someone, or something? NO ONE.. I don’t care who is saying they don’t need love they are liars!
Love starts from within. You can’t honestly love someone or something outside of yourself if you canNOT grasp the concept of self preservation. People always say you have to love yourself first. It’s true. You can’t give something you don’t have. Nor can you expect someone else to properly love you if (s)he is unaware of who (s)he is loving.
Love requires patience, and effort. You must use your energy to understand that it takes time to build confidence, just as it takes time to strip someone of it. The process to self love may be a long, raw, uncomfortable, exhausting process, but the end result is amazing!
Self Love starts with a self discovery. Take time to review your body.( I usually use a mirror and do it when I’m alone) Learn the spots, the marks, the ins and outs of who you are. Learn your scent, learn some of the not so flattering spots, the ones that make you second guess yourself. Learn the parts that make you feel invincible. Once you see the things you like about yourself, compliment yourself! You deserve that, after all you like it! Tell yourself what you like about, and why. Repeat it over and over again! Example: Let’s say you like your legs. They make you feel like you are athletic. You could say “Oh look at these haute legs! They are toned, they are beautiful! I am so thankful to be blessed with these beautiful legs, that carry me to and from effortlessly.” While it may sound cheesy, after a few of these mantras, Self love will no longer be an issue for you.
The next step to self love, is finding out the things that your soul responds to. What makes you smile? What makes you sad? What makes you angry, sensitive, hungry, hot, cold, sleepy? There are many things that go on that may make you feel uneasy, take time to discover which situations, which external forces make you feel like you must question who you are, and not in a beneficial way? For example: Do you find yourself surrounded by negative things, or negative people? These things/ people may be contributing to your insecurities. You have to surround yourself with things and people who omit positive vibes. The same way you wouldn’t stand in a room that could give you radiation- which leads to death at some point or another you shouldn’t stand in a room where people omit negativity which leads to you feel unhappy, miserable or feeling inadequate.
So now that you know what makes you tick, how you soul reacts to external forces, let’s determine how to keep up loving thyself. Naturally we can learn things and forget them just as fast. The only way to maintain self love is to practice it daily. Start by putting yourself first. Set some boundaries. Stop being available to everyone, all the time. Start deciding what you want to work on, and do just that. Find time to do things you love that make you smile. If you don’t know what you like, now is the time to find out (self discovery, what excites your soul? ). Find time to do the things that make you feel beautiful. Even when you don’t feel beautiful, make an effort to stand in front of the mirror, and state out loud why you are beautiful, repeat it to yourself, over and over again. Remember this is a process. When you learned the alphabet, it was solely because you repeated it, again and again, until you did it without thinking. Do the same thing to strengthen your self love!!!
You are fierce, and deserve to feel that way as well. We all have flaws, but we also have many things that make us great! Everything has a good and bad side, we must learn to improve our flaws and embrace what makes us who we are. You are the one and only. There will never be another… Act like it.. and be remarkable!!!